Pick Your Druthers

2011-11-22T14:27:00.001-08:00

I just accidentally farted on my pita. I sit India and set the half eaten pita in my crodad and forgot it was there and farted. can't bring myself to eat it now

2011-11-02T13:21:00.000-07:00

30 for 30 challenge: Day 1.
1. 30 days.
2. 30 outfits.
3. No repeat outfits. No shopping for new clothes. Just you and the closet.

Cami–Day 1

Holly–Day 1

2011-09-19T15:26:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I had this indoor cook-off during the Fair. It's the Governors Favorite Meatloaf contest and all the contestants bring meatloaf and then it gets judged. Well we invited the Governor to come and he never comes but for some reason he decided to come this year. Well I was dressed like I worked for a Summer Camp so I had to run and grab an outfit that was appropriate for meeting the Governor. I ran to Gateway and got some new pants and I needed to wear a thong with them so I picked one of those up too. But when I went to change and they didn't take the anti theft tag off the panties so I couldn't wear them. SO... I decided to go comando. But I was super careful and made sure that nothing got out or was ripped or anything. I met the governor with no panties on.

2011-07-27T06:54:00.000-07:00

While sleeping, Sean said....Are you going to greet me with gummy underwear?

For more sleep talking hilariousness check out

http://sleeptalkingsagas.blogspot.com/

2011-07-25T11:53:00.001-07:00

Have you ever been at work and a co worker comes up and starts talking to you and you begin to notice a fart-acious funk and right before you say something about how someone else in the office must take some gas-x you realize that maybe that funk is coming from the co worker you are talking to?

2011-06-14T11:03:00.000-07:00

Click for larger image.

2011-05-31T12:48:00.000-07:00

In the men's room Tylenol, breath mints or condoms just $1 each. No difference.

2011-05-24T10:19:00.000-07:00

Just saw Chris Brown in Cali Adventure...Linda had to tell me who he was.

2011-05-23T10:17:00.001-07:00

Boo: Is it called the rapture when you come out of an egg?

Me: No. That's called hatching.

Boo: Oh yeah.

2011-04-20T16:16:00.000-07:00

I just found some popcorn in my mouth from a couple of days ago.

2011-04-18T15:21:00.001-07:00

I was doin my business in the bathroom and I hadn’t been in there long and the light turned off (it is on an automatic timer)…I waive my hand and feet under the door to try and make it turn on and it didn’t work. So as I was trying to open the door as fast I could, I tripped over my skirt (that was around my ankles) and smashed my face into the door handle with one arm dangling out of the stall. ..luckily the light turned back on. My face wasn’t so lucky….it has a bright red mark that goes from my chin, across my lips and onto my cheek…it is in the exact shape of the door handle….I hope no one makes the connection!

2011-04-11T16:20:00.000-07:00

What do you call a bikini model that finds religion?

A chickmonk.

2011-02-25T12:46:00.000-08:00

The Oatmeal is hilarious. Check out these two links. Laugh.

http://theoatmeal.com/blog/bus
especially scroll down to the part about “The Viking”

http://theoatmeal.com/comics

for a plethora of hilarious comics

2011-02-22T12:41:00.000-08:00

Another love message left for my lucky coworker on Facebook.

2011-01-20T16:23:00.001-08:00

My breath tastes like stale ribofloban

2011-01-20T16:19:00.001-08:00

Tonight on Modern Family the kids walk in on Clair and Phil in the act. The show one of the kids washing her eyes saying "i can still see it" or your case you would say "i can still hear it"

2010-11-11T15:07:00.000-08:00

And here's another one. Seems she's quite the magnet...
(click on the image for a larger view)

2010-11-11T15:00:00.000-08:00

This message was sent to a colleague of mine via facebook....
(click on the image for a larger view)

2010-11-09T17:03:00.001-08:00

Caleb told me the other day he didn't know you went blond when u got old. Then he picked out all my blond hairs.

2010-10-18T15:18:00.000-07:00

nothing like a pair of comfortable shorts

2010-10-13T11:40:00.003-07:00

Stabi was wondering why ppl needed tags on kids clothing to put outfits together. I told her some ppl need help with that (i.e. Stabi). She said she did a good job with maternity clothes. I reminded her that others picked out those clothes. Which she said oh. Funny

2010-10-07T13:33:00.000-07:00

So I have been looking for a dining table on KSL and I found this one I really liked and I’ve been emailing the dude. He just told me that I could just walk a couple steps and come see it…it’s my freaking neighbor…they are in #1 and we are in #2. We literally share the porch.

2010-09-10T17:13:00.000-07:00

Yeah he's asleep

2010-09-03T14:30:00.001-07:00

So two embarrassing things.

1-I took my phone to the bathroom so I could play bejewled

2-I was in the bathroom so long that the light turned off – right as the light turned off I heard someone coming….so there I was in the bathroom playing on my phone while someone walks into a dark bathroom….the light switched on and this person started brushing their teeth….I just sat there until they left.

2010-08-26T15:50:00.000-07:00

This is what boo just said to me "It's quite possible I didn't tell you the dildo was swollen" .....yeah

What did she mean to say?

"Ding Dong was frozen"

2010-03-11T09:12:00.000-08:00

So I get an angry text from Bryan last night about a text message that was sent to his phone that had my name in it. he said it was gross and he doesn’t know what I’m into but I do not have his permission to use his number. I finally convinced him to send me the text. This is what it said:

Hot Deal from Dick’s Market. Show this text & save $2.00 off any meat item. Good thru 1/6/10. Forward to your friends. Thank You! reply X to stop

… yeah this text was from Dick’s Market as in the grocery store…. I have no idea how the connection was made with my name and his phone number but still funny that he thought it was some type of pornographic text.

2010-03-11T09:04:00.000-08:00

Today was a monumental day. Today, for the very first time, I peed in the sink. Yes ladies, it is true. The sink.

Let me tell you a little story (poor holly experienced part of this yesterday) Mr. husband was on the pot for a long time and somehow clogged the toilet – despite is crazy bowels, this has never happened before. Despite our efforts to be “prepared” for such instances, we do not own a plunger. Mr. Husband didn’t believe that his ‘deed’ had been soo detrimental to the pluming works of the home. How could this be? Yesterday in efforts to clear the system the toilet overflowed. Such profanity came from mr. husband. Mrs. Wife went to bed with a pee baby and chuckles in her pillow. The morning drew and ‘it was time” to deliver. The nearest hole was the sink. Needless to say – the sink, soaking with bleach will never be the same.

2010-02-24T12:19:00.000-08:00

Me: "I know, I should be more like you"

Boo: "no, that's why we have me"

That was our full conversation.

2010-02-04T16:11:00.001-08:00

what type of bees make milk?

boobees ;)

2010-02-02T13:43:00.001-08:00

I snuck my phone in my sock so i could use it while i poop! Ha ha this is a Crap text!

2010-01-26T10:29:00.001-08:00

Melisa tells me....my toe, it needs to go to the mall. Right now!

2010-01-21T16:40:00.001-08:00

My excretion smells like eel! sushi does weird things!

2010-01-14T15:09:00.001-08:00

I’m so tired of the inversion. It feels so thick and heavy I’m afraid my farts are going to get stuck and add to the haze.

2010-01-12T12:29:00.001-08:00

If you don't start listening to external sources which have gone from wind blowing to now daily messages what will it finally take... A marque on the interstate

2010-01-08T09:37:00.001-08:00

Melissa says... Wheres my psycho? I need my psycho. I tell her he is with grandma. Melissa says i like my psycho.

2010-01-04T10:51:00.001-08:00

Ashley - ''hu!... I thought a zhuzhu pet bit me.''

2010-01-04T10:49:00.001-08:00

Tj just said to me over dinner 'they need to make a big and tall section for ring pops because my fingers don't fit.'

2009-12-28T21:00:00.001-08:00

I just realized what my default password at work sounds like when you say it out loud- AsHol :-)

2009-12-22T10:33:00.001-08:00

Ashley stabbed me with a fork and said i poked your kitty....... I realize she said this because i wear hello kitty pj's

2009-12-16T09:49:00.001-08:00

Ashley just accidentally took off her pants in the middle of the store. LOL!!!!!

2009-11-24T14:55:00.001-08:00

Did i tell u this morning that melissa was hollering for me. Moooommmmm!!! I get in there and she is stark naked. I ask her what r u doing? She says i nakie!

2009-11-20T10:50:00.001-08:00

Did i tell u i have thong burn? It is like carpet burn up the crack.

2009-11-12T16:45:00.001-08:00

What the hell is wrong with you??? Huh? Seriously.....i did not know you could get FREE.....FREE.....handouts at work!!!!! I need a ton!!! I mean a ton!

2009-11-11T14:25:00.001-08:00

So i dressed up as a kitty and sean tells me i'm a sexy kitty. Then he proceeds to tell me that Psycho is gonna do you!

2009-10-30T14:34:00.001-07:00

From Erika when reporting at the airport in florida-Forgot to take out our lube and got busted! Haha :)

2009-10-21T13:50:00.001-07:00

Ashley: ''do you want to nipple me?''
me: ''yes i do!...''
Ashley: ''what's the equivalent of hating me in chinese?''
me: ''what...?''
Now i have deodorant on my fingers from putting them in her armpit... Thats how it went down.

2009-10-19T13:48:00.001-07:00

I had a dream that i urinated raspberries

2009-10-15T14:34:00.001-07:00

my fingers smell like china...

2009-10-08T12:17:00.001-07:00

They're hitting on you! YOU STILL GOT IT ;)

2009-10-07T15:27:00.001-07:00

Sean just told me how his rooty smelled like breakfast burrito. I said yuck. He said-It's actually quite nice.

2009-10-02T14:15:00.001-07:00

Sean was doing the voice dialing and said 'sex ho' and the phone thought he said 'TJ' ... HA HA

2009-09-28T11:28:00.001-07:00

I think baby-d devoured the re-digested feces of 3 other babies.

2009-09-25T13:13:00.001-07:00

Thats ok. I buy none then. Your fine no worries :-) fun to pretend to be a transvestite pretending to buy shoes for my 'sister' lol.

2009-09-21T10:50:00.001-07:00

TJ said: Where are you? Are you in zion? Have you been translated?
For that i say: Yeah... All we can wear are zarahemla pastie's and burlap, wierd...

2009-09-17T09:31:00.001-07:00

Dad called me a nipper flog

2009-09-16T15:11:00.001-07:00

Oh my Heck...my pee smells like meatloaf...just thought you'd like to know

2009-09-11T09:40:00.001-07:00

Sean just told me "my mouth tastes like a truck stop" then he made me smell it and it smelled like one too

2009-09-09T23:22:00.001-07:00

What are you thinking about?
No. It would scare even you.
Did you imagine you were kissing a wolf.... ...cuz thats scary. ...
....
This was our dinner conversation... :-)

2009-09-09T10:20:00.001-07:00

So Ashley and i are sitting here drinking slushy gatorade outside of the testing center and she laughs for some reason and gets a huge gatorade chunk lodged in her nose. I don't know what is going on. And she is laughing hystaricaly saying ''wait for it, wait for it...'' Suddenly the ice chunk starts to melt and she is starring at me letting it ooze out of her nose, while she continues to laugh uncontrollably, until it stops so she can gather herself enough to explain why she is “drooling out her nose” at me.

Comeback....

2009-09-08T22:39:00.000-07:00

It has now been established that I suck as a blogger. However, I have a new twist for my blog which I think will be much easier to manage.

Text.

I text everyday. I can't blog, email, return phone calls, or eat breakfast everyday but I send and/or receive a text daily. So I've decided that posting texts to my blog is a great way of offering life insights to....well...um....whoever.

I'm not going to edit the texts in any way. Your eyes see what I see. The message senders identity will not be revealed, however. Such mystery!

2009-09-08T22:34:00.001-07:00

One sheep said the other. 'why am i so tired?' he said because your a sheep. Ha ha ha that's cami.s original laffy taffy joke

Which would you druther...

2008-09-22T22:40:00.000-07:00

It has taken a long time but I have finally posted the pictures from the "Bear Lake is the shiz nit" trip I took with my seeeessstooors several weeks ago. It was fun to look over the photos and chew over some good memories.

There is one picture in particular which Garrett is using his special powers and releasing the demons from me. Next he's in charge of compelling away my uber bad hair days and tan lines.
BE HEALED!!

Which would you druther...

2008-09-14T22:22:00.000-07:00

Just want to post that life is a bit crazy right now and I don't think I'll be posting for a few weeks. The intention behind this message is to keep my sister (I won't mention any names, ahem ahem) from coming after me in the night and leaving a meat cleaver in my leg with a note attached saying "post already jerkweed!"

Which would you druther...

2008-08-31T19:31:00.000-07:00

Text I received from Boo:
Mom just said that dad likes sexual favors...
Dad said that he'd return the favors...
Mom said she'd pencil him in...
Hannah and I are in the back seat with no where to go

My libido just shriveled up and died. So much for my thirties being my prime.

Which would you druther...

2008-08-26T19:26:00.000-07:00

Bear Lake with your sister is the shiz nit.

We spent a brief but perfectly beautiful weekend at Bear Lake. Among the many attractions, we (of course) sniffed out the one and only snow cone shack. It's a good thing we did because it was absolutely the BEST FREAKING SNOW CONE SHACK EVER. The tiger's blood was juicy and slobber-stimulating and refreshing and turned my teeth the slightest shade of red. The ice was softer than freshly dropped powder snow and because the snow cone lady refrigerates her syrups the fluffy texture wasn't compromised. Awesome! We returned for two more rounds the next day. If anyone is near Garden City the stop by Hawaiian Snow is so worth it.

In case you were wondering just how huge Cami's glasses are... personally, I think her delightful little nose makes the perspective seem more exaggerated than it really is. If you put those glasses on my face, for example, they wouldn't seem quite so pilotnormous. I so just made up that word.

Which would you druther...

2008-08-09T12:25:00.000-07:00

And so the settling begins....

"What are his faults?
Can I tolerate those faults?
What are his virtues?
Do the virtues compensate for his faults?"

"The trouble with lovers is that, immersed in their world of love, they cannot seem to realize that others exist in the world besides themselves and that there are other things to do, in a lifetime, besides making love."

"Love is peculiarly perverse."

Which would you druther...

2008-08-06T18:08:00.000-07:00

Wednesday is Wink day. I so think the cuteness of this picture compensates for my lack of Wink posts. Damn, look at the sweetness on his face! And don't forget to notice the little hug he's giving me. It was a full embrace of my-mama-rocks-my-world-and-I-love-her-most- when-she's-been-working-too-much. The love oozed down my neck and through all my organs and even saturated the couch seats. And maybe it was a good eyebrow day for me as well.

And here are a few more quotes from the leader in womanizing:
"A relationship where the woman is the physical superior of the man, is not only devoid of love but is ludicrous."

"Love is an alliance of friendship and animalism; if the former predominate, it is a passion exalted and refined; but if the latter, gross and sensual."

"A successful marriage should lead the way to an enjoyment of that most satisfying of arts, that most joyful of pleasures, that most excruciating of delectable tortures...kissing."

Which would you druther...

2008-08-05T18:59:00.000-07:00

J: Did you start?
H: No, I haven't started yet. I feel like a cow that needs to be milked.
J: Girls have uteruses and cows have udders.
H: Thanks for the anatomy lesson. Med school just paid for itself in this single moment.
J: I was explaining it to the cat. Wink doesn't have a uterus or an udder but he does have nipples.
H: "I have nipples, Greg, could you milk me?"
J: I could tell you that's what I'm doing, if that's what you prefer.
H: What are we even talking about anymore?

Which would you druther...

2008-08-05T18:02:00.001-07:00

This book claims to be more geared toward a male audience. There are soooo many things that are no longer culturally appropriate - even to the conservative at heart. I have, however, met a few mangy souls that could have benefited from 32 pages of how-to-be-a-sexist. At least I could have pretended they had good (though misguided) intentions.

"Man was created strong. Woman was created weak. Therefore, it is up to man to protect his woman. Woman is so physically constituted that she needs man's strong protection."

Except when she has mace or a a taser.

Which would you druther...

2008-08-04T21:16:00.001-07:00

I confess I am sucker for kissing. This includes kissing books, kissing pictures, thinking about kissing, talking about kissing, and getting tips for better kissing. I'm not completely preoccupied with the subject but sometimes it's more interesting than say... everything. I just asked a friend what he thought was more interesting than kissing and he couldn't come up with anything else either. Ha! Proof.

Several years ago I found these reprints of 1936 pamphlets that are to help those of us who are a bit more Napoleon Dynamite than Don Juan. Guilty. Anyway, I thought these pamphlets were funny and I was curious what another generation would have to say about courtship. This week I'll be posting some of my findings. No longer will you need to sheepishly hang out in the "Sexuality" section of Barnes and Noble or casually flip through Cosmo while hoping the check-out line goes slowly.
"Another question which must be settled at this time concerns the size of the kissee's mouth. There are many girls whose lips are broad and generous. The technique in kissing such lips is different. For, were one to allow his lips to remain centered, there would be wide expanses of lips, untouched and, therefore, wasted."
"Then, sip of the honey. Like the bee that settles on the fragrant pistils of a flower, and sips in the nectar for honey, so should you sip in the nectar from between the lips of your love. And it is nectar."

Hm, and I thought RAID was the appropriate approach with bees.

Which would you druther...

2008-08-02T22:03:00.001-07:00

I was on my way out the door to work when I was confronted by the world's biggest and ugliest bee. There it was hanging out on the pole on the front porch - I'm sure it crawled up there because nothing so unnatural could fly the way God intended it to. It was a bit unnerving how close I had to get to take this picture. I wished desperately for a better zoom. Like any great wildlife photographer though, I was willing to sacrifice my personal safety for a photo that makes someone else squirm. Pretty sure National Geographic will be calling me twenty minutes after I post this.

Which would you druther...

2008-07-17T23:36:00.000-07:00

Wednesday was Wink day. I love the very ending of this video - it makes me laugh every single time. Nothing could be truer to feline behavior than a cat stretching his butt in your face and then demanding breakfast after giving you a beating.

Which would you druther...

2008-07-10T22:52:00.000-07:00

My sister and the kids came up from New Mexico for July 4th festivities. It was awesome to spend time together. We kept with family tradition and attended the Kaysville parade which includes the best water fight ever. This year had two fun twists: 1. Melissa had fireworks hair 2. some kids got ran over by a trailer during the water fight and life flight was brought in. (The kids were okay, injuries initially seemed much worse than they were).

I love that my sister brought the family up for the best holiday ever and I know it means a lot to everyone else as well. I cherish the time we get to spend together. It won't be long before the days of my nephew cuddling with me and telling me he loves me are gone, Melissa will soon be throwing her charming toddler tantrums, and in a few months a new baby be around the add to the family dynamic. By the way (Jodi), more pictures can be seen at my Picasa album.

Which would you druther...

2008-07-10T22:25:00.000-07:00

This is every bra that I own. I was SERIOUSLY low on laundry and one morning before work I had to do an emergency load so I wasn't going to work 'free fallin'. Nothing says career girl like going braless. Admittedly, there has been a day here or there I've gotten sick of wearing the over the shoulder boulder holder and taken it off sometime around half day. I try to be subtle though. One time I was on my way back from the bathroom from slipping a little somethin' somethin' off and I ran into a male coworker. He could see I was guarding the stuff in my hand and started joking with me that he wanted whatever it was because he was convinced it must be good if I was trying to keep it secret. I had to insist that this secret was something he would want me to keep to myself. Um, awkward.

While my couch can hold several wet bras I think I still have many more to collect before I can compete with the bra ball. I think I could make a decent bra volleyball though.

Which would you druther...

2008-07-09T01:00:00.000-07:00

Wednesday is Wink day. My cat's relaxed, occasionally interpreted as lazy, demeanor has taken over me. I bet if I adopt this lifestyle I too will have a large fuzzy belly that swings back and forth when I jog to the food dish.

The number of hours I spend online reading comics? Some.

Which would you druther...

2008-07-08T22:46:00.001-07:00

Maybe this is why I haven't finished school yet....

Which would you druther...

2008-07-03T00:30:00.000-07:00

I couldn't help but cry when I saw this video (despite the music and lam-o message at the end). I think the relationships between humans and animals is one of the most interesting, exciting, fulfilling, and magical things ever. Maybe my cat would be happy to see me too if I left him in an African desert for a year. Not a bad idea actually....

Which would you druther...

2008-07-02T01:00:00.000-07:00

Wednesday is Wink day. I had a bit of a dramatic event with the pets over the weekend. Hoover is unreasonably territorial and has a barking freak attack whenever someone approaches the house.
A young guy was selling security systems door-to-door and made the mistake of coming to mine. Typically people leave the screen door closed when they come to visit but this salesman decided to hold it open while waiting for me to answer the door. He only rang the doorbell so it never crossed my mind that when I opened the house door the screen door would be open as well. Little did the guy know the canine fury coming his way.
Basically, Hoover attacked the guy. Hoover isn't big by any stretch, but like I've mentioned in other posts he has a megaphone loud bark, and he jumped and snapped at the dude. He chased the salesman off the porch, down the stairs, and to the sidewalk. At this point I was able to catch and scoop up the dog. Pissed none the less. On my way walking up the stairs to toss Hoover inside I was attacked from behind on my leg. Wink! All I can figure is all that aggressive action scared Wink and he decided to join in the fight. Too bad he didn't realize it was already over. It was an impressive attack though. Pretty sure my cat could be a sniper or professional ninja. He instantly let go of my leg - or was instantly kicked off, whichever happened first. But the pictures show the damage of his effective guerrilla tactic.
I took these pictures tonight though the bruising showed within just a few hours of when Wink decided my legs were in fact made of mouse soufflé. When I returned to the sales guy to see if he indeed got hurt I found him standing paralyzed on the sidewalk with his arms curled up to his chin and the cat sitting on his toes.

We didn't buy a security system.

Which would you druther...

2008-07-01T17:26:00.000-07:00

Despite my best efforts, my sunburn from the California trip has finally started to peel. I love peeling skin though. I love it when it has been moisturized really well and you can pull and pull the skin till a piece the size of a shoe rips off. Sweet Success! I would love to set up a booth on the beach and spend my days peeling people's skin. I could make business cards and attach them to trial size bottles of aloe then walk up and down the beach handing them to tourists. I know. I know. But I really do love peeling skin so much I would do it to strangers and feel satisfied. I might even pop a few zits while I'm in the neighborhood.

(Do we need to count how many times I used the word "love" in this post? Yeah, peeling skin makes me that happy.)

Which would you druther...

2008-06-25T19:12:00.000-07:00

Wednesday is Wink day...and BRANDI'S BIRTHDAY. Sorry to associate the two together Brands.
I have a lip compact from Victoria's Secret which I have loved. There are a couple of colors that I've used on a regular basis but the mirror has been the greatest asset. It's just the right size I've needed for the multi-purposes of bathroom life - back of the hair style check, eyebrow tweeze check, rear view mirror for trimming my necklike when my hair has grown too long check, additional mirror for putting make-up on while someone occupies the bathroom, etc. The other day I grabbed my compact to apply my favorite gloss and somehow it slipped out of my hands onto the sink edge bounced off the toilet and into...dumm dum dumm....the litter box. The litter box I intended on cleaning out the night before but didn't so there were all sorts of goodies to cover my precious mirror. Delicious. And I totally dug it out in hopes that I could somehow save it.

Which would you druther...

2008-06-23T22:27:00.000-07:00

I just got back from a trip to Southern California. Delicious sunny salt beach air still clings to my nose hairs and I sniff to keep the memories and delirium of vacation inside. My skin is still sticky and thick from the sweat and humidity only found at sea level. I can practically lick the fun off my fingers the trip was so thick with it. If I met a genie I would wish for everyday to be like this past weekend.....and to be independently wealthy. I would also seriously consider wishing for my raging sunburn to turn into a lovely tan and then spread all over my body leaving me with no embarrassing tan lines.

Sigh, nothing beats the beach.

Which would you druther...

2008-06-15T22:58:00.000-07:00

I did a Google search of "Holly needs." Here are the top results:

Holly needs....

everyone to like her
to go to obedience and learn how to walk nicely on a leash because she does a lot of "drifting" from side to side investigating things
to vent
a hero
kind-hearted person to come along and save her life
a work permit
a new home
a shoulder to cry on
a pollinator

Funny enough, this general search is accurate in many areas. Such as the leash walking issue (so embarrassing at my age) and the pollinator. What does a girl have to do to get a descent pollinator?!

Which would you druther...

2008-06-11T03:00:00.000-07:00

Wednesday is Wink day. It has taken Wink several months to get used to Hoover. I can't blame him though because that dog never shuts up. And he never stops moving. If he isn't trying to use your crotch as a trampoline then he's barking at decibels which make your ear drums wish they lived in your spleen. His bark manages to bounce off every surface in the house and by the time it reaches your ears it has multiplied 800 times in volume and obnoxiousness. On the bright side of things, I should be glad there is only one animal in the house with barking issues.
There is the rare occasion which Hoover calms down and is tolerable. We all cherish these moments. On these holidays Wink will swallow Hoover's presence (though generally will not acknowledge this bend in the universe) and allow the two of them to get very close in proximity.
A peace treaty may be signed. But like all biblical feuds, one party (take a guess to whom I blame) can't keep the good behavior going for long. The gloves are taken off and it's time for a smack down and resuming the daily arguments for personal space, couch privileges and attention soliciting.

Which would you druther...

2008-06-05T20:53:00.000-07:00

So this week...Thursday is uh...Wink Day. I'm a bad mother and rather than faithfully blog about my cat on Wednesday I went out with friends instead. He can complain to his therapist.
Sometimes I like to think Wink has a small sense of loyalty to me. Or even better yet, has affection for me. It isn't uncommon for him to follow me through the house as I do chores. He will sit in the door way and watch while I clean the tub so he can immediately jump in, or scrub the toilet so he can jump in the bowl, or make my bed so he can jump on the covers, or wash the dishes so he can jump in the sink. Putting his paws all over everything I work on is his way of telling me "good job mama - now watch me lick my butt."

By the way, my cat looks like a meatloaf.

Which would you druther...

2008-05-29T15:01:00.001-07:00

I promised a friend I would post something nice about him. I guess I've picked on him too much and he now needs more female validation. Never the less, this is the nicest thing I've been able to come up with. I'll keep thinking about it though....

Which would you druther....

2008-05-28T03:00:00.000-07:00

Wednesday is Wink day. I was talking with a friend tonight about if it's possible to judge potential parenting skills by our performance as pet owners. It was agreed that it's best we live barren lives right now. However, it did remind me of a day when I felt very successful as a parent/pet owner. It was a very significant, life altering day for both Wink and myself. And he's has a near perfect record (other than a pee incident in a heat vent) ever since. My job changed from butt wiper and massager to kitty litter scooper. I definitely considered it a promotion. And at three weeks old! My cat must be some sort of bathroom genius.

Which would you druther....

2008-05-27T22:56:00.000-07:00

See! I knew I was right to play pretend dying at 30. Horoscopes from The Onion are always right on the money.

Everyone will be talking about your wonderful personality and kind nature next week, which is customary at funerals.

Which would you druther....

2008-05-21T05:00:00.000-07:00

Wednesday is Wink day. My cat drinks out of the toilet. Inside my toilet bowl are muddy paw prints. Sometimes when I'm feeling really lazy, I lift the seat rather than walk five feet back and forth to refill his water dish.

The other night he had been out partying and had too many tequilas. When he staggered in the house he was all "dude, I can't even remember what happened with that calico last night but I'm pretty sure I got lucky." He spent a good while licking himself and followed with his morning toilet swig. A few minutes later he ralphed on the bathroom floor. Regurgitated toilet water and cheap chinese left-overs and some grass bits all over the place. However, he was sweet enough to help clean the mess by licking up the toilet water. His precious precious toilet drink could not be wasted! Do you know the street value of that stuff?!It's still undecided what actually gave him the upset stomach. Was it the hangover? Or was it the venereal disease he licked off his butt from the calico?

Which would you druther....

2008-05-18T00:11:00.000-07:00

I have two cook books. One my mom gave me when I left for college and the other is a gourmet grilled cheese cook book I bought for myself. And guess what, the grilled cheese sandwiches I've made from my book....DELICIOUS.

Which would you druther...

2008-05-14T08:48:00.000-07:00

Wednesday is Wink day. Wink was so cute and little in this picture. See how huge his tags look compared to the rest of him? Nothing can quite match the scale of his huge ears though. Well, perhaps the space between my cross-eyes and arched eyebrows can be comparable. Remember how this picture is one of my more intelligent looking faces. I'm waitng for my eyes to start rolling in opposite directions or maybe bug out like Igor in Young Frankenstein.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Igor, would you mind telling me whose brain I did put in?
Igor : And you won't be angry?
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : I will NOT be angry.
Igor : Abby someone.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : Abby someone. Abby who?
Igor : Abby Normal.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : Abby Normal?
Igor : I'm almost sure that was the name.
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : Are you saying that I put an abnormal brain into a seven and a half foot long, fifty-four inch wide GORILLA?
[shakes and grabs him]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME?

Which would you druther....

2008-05-13T21:08:00.000-07:00

If you are any sort of human you will visit The Adventures of Chad and watch the "#4 Swim Meet". So Funny!

Which would you druther....

2008-05-11T09:36:00.000-07:00

A text I received from Boo. Just another day in the life....
"I just sneezed and the piece of gum I was chewing shot out of my mouth and disappeared in my cleavage. Some digging was required to retrieve it from my snot covered boobs."

Which would you druther...

2008-05-07T22:22:00.000-07:00

Wednesday is Wink day. It seems I avoided the spanking machine but Wink couldn't help but give some cuddles. Sometimes I kiss him on his thin cat lips. He likes it. There's nothing like exchanging a smooch for a nose and face full of kitty fur. It seems his fur has extra static cling capabilities because it takes hours before my face is clean of all his little hairs. This morning I received one of the best presents ever. Wink let me sleep through the night. There were no blind climbing races, bathtub attacks, jumping on my throat like a trampoline, or any other shenanigans. I slept for six consecutive hours which hasn't happened for a couple of months. Perhaps he knew I needed a break. Or perhaps Ambien helps cats sleep as well. By the way, I got a pedicure and my toes look awesome. If it's possible for toes to look good at all.

Which would you druther...

2008-05-07T16:43:00.000-07:00

Damn, I'm too young to be 3o.

Which would you druther...

2008-05-05T20:25:00.000-07:00

Which would you druther...

2008-05-02T17:11:00.000-07:00

This is a conversation NOT to have with your significant other:

H: You should start making lots of money so I can quit my job and volunteer all day at the zoo.

J: Yeah, ok. Just don't let them look at your transcripts and see the grade you got in Zoology.

H: Well no one needs to look at your transcripts to see that you're a dick.

Sometimes snappy comebacks need to be followed by an apology.

Which would you druther...

2008-04-30T20:54:00.000-07:00

Wednesday is Wink day. I gave Wink my left-over chicken noodle soup. He finished off the broth, ate a few veggies, and left the chicken. It must not have been free range bird which is the way he likes it.

By the way Natalie Dee comics are odd and hilarious.

Which would you druther...

2008-04-30T20:36:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't posted in twelve centuries but I've been out of town and haven't had much internet access. I also realize this only effects Jodi and Zach because they are my only readers. Thank you, by the way. You two are my inspiration. I plan on "updating" later this week.

Since my life and blog are such a thrill.

Which would you druther...

2008-04-17T18:17:00.000-07:00

My sun burn is more strawberry than this milk.

Which would you druther...

2008-04-16T21:01:00.000-07:00

I wasn't allowed to play video games as a kid but once in a while I would sneak over to the neighbors and play Nintendo. As an adult, I am incapable of playing any game more complicated than solitaire. I blame my mother.